Read Why Him? Why Her?: Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match by Helen Fisher Online


A groundbreaking book about how your personality type determines who you love Why do you fall in love with one person rather than another? In this fascinating and informative book, Helen Fisher, one of the world’s leading experts on romantic love, unlocks the hidden code of desire and attachment. Each of us, it turns out, primarily expresses one of four broad personaliA groundbreaking book about how your personality type determines who you loveWhy do you fall in love with one person rather than another? In this fascinating and informative book, Helen Fisher, one of the world’s leading experts on romantic love, unlocks the hidden code of desire and attachment. Each of us, it turns out, primarily expresses one of four broad personality types—Explorer, Builder, Director, or Negotiator—and each of these types is governed by different chemical systems in the brain. Driven by this biology, we are attracted to partners who both mirror and complement our own personality type. Until now the search for love has been blind, but Fisher pulls back the curtain and reveals how we unconsciously go about finding the right match. Drawing on her unique study of 40,000 men and women, she explores each personality type in detail and shows you how to identify your own type. Then she explains why some types match up well, whereas others are problematic. (Note to Explorers: be prepared for a wild ride when you hitch your star to a fellow Explorer!) Ultimately, Fisher’s investigation into the complex nature of romance and attachment leads to astonishing new insights into the essence of dating, love, and marriage.Based on entirely new research—including a detailed questionnaire completed by seven million people in thirty-three countries—Why Him? Why Her? will change your understanding of why you love him (or her) and help you use nature’s chemistry to find and keep your life partner....

Title : Why Him? Why Her?: Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 9780805082920
Format Type : Hardcover
Number of Pages : 222 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

Why Him? Why Her?: Understanding Your Personality Type and Finding the Perfect Match Reviews

  • Ben
    2019-04-23 12:03

    So I recently picked-up the audio version of this from the library and though I’ve been listening to it, I didn’t list it as “currently reading”, because, I mean look at the title -- it’s embarrassing: Why Him? Why Her? Finding the Perfect Match. Who wants that shit in their update feed?I didn’t listen to it so I could find my “perfect match” -- but the psychology and biology behind attraction and love interest me. And perhaps to a greater extent, personality typing interests me; particularly the theories associated with the Myers-Briggs. And the theories in this are aligned with those developed by David Keirsey, who wrote a best-selling book in which he exposed four main temperaments deriving from – yes – my beloved Myers-Briggs. My Myers-Briggs obsession began in college when one of my teachers, in preparation for a year-long group project, had our class take the Keirsey Temperament Sorter to enhance the likelihood that each group was diverse in personality. My level of interest was ignited when I found that in this class of about 25 people I was the only “N”. (This “interest” developed into a sort of obsession. I read – no, devoured -- anything on the internet about the MBTI I could find; I read books about it; I had friends, family-members, and the girls I dated take the test; I was always thinking about other people’s types and how it affected their decisions, behavior, and how I understood and got along with them. Yes, obsession, I guess is the appropriate word.)I’ve toned down my zealotry for the Myers-Briggs in recent years, but I’m still a believer, and it still interests me greatly. So now-- Fisher did tons of research on her four types; mostly through the personality test on her dating website, Most data corresponds with studies already done on Keirsey’s four temperaments, but there are some new findings. She also emphasized secondary temperament type, which I think was wise of her.*So yes, this book is original and novel at times, but it’s also reductive. The best example stems from Fisher’s defining each of the four types by a specific chemical that helps define their personality (Testosterone for Directors, Serotonin for Builders, Dopamine for Explorers, and Estrogen for Negotiators). While I’m sure your typical Director has more testosterone than average, all of our chemical make-ups are complex, and I’m sure there are plenty of people with the Director personality-type that have low levels of testosterone. So it’s reductive, yes, but can also be instructive if handled with care, because having an abundance of a certain chemical can – key word, “can” -- drive one’s personality in some major ways.As you can tell from the title, Fisher spends a lot of time focusing on the different types and how they think, feel, behave and interact with other types -- when in and when seeking -- relationships. She bases most of her research, again, from, and her findings with relation to attraction and “type matching” are interesting; different from other type-based relationship theories I’ve read. I won’t bore you with the details – but if you have knowledge about this stuff and want to know her basic type-based relationship theories, send me a P.M. and I’ll talk your ear off.Lastly, to all of you that have problems with personality tests because you think it pigeonholes people: Do you really have such a low view of humanity that you think people can’t think for themselves and see the parts of their own and other’s personalities that do and don’t coincide with their test results? Perhaps humanity is a little more independent-minded than you give it credit for. Well researched personality tests are helpful tools, not prescriptions. Unless you’re looking at these things from the wrong angle, they should allow you to better admire the uniqueness of the individual. When approached with an open mind, having this knowledge makes understanding yourself and others easier.So I’ll take my Why Him? Why Her? Finding the Perfect Match, thank you very much.*In the cases of some people, I think a profile derived from a combination of their primary and secondary temperament-types can actually be more exact and accurate than their MBTI profile. For example, according to Fisher, I’m a “Director” (which is equivalent to Kerisey’s “Rational”); but at the same time I’m a bit more enthusiastic and impulsive than your typical Director. This can only make proper sense when put into the context of my secondary type, Fisher’s Explorer (or Keirsey’s Artisan). But this can bite both ways, because I’m very heavy on “N” (“Intuition”, according to the MBTI), and a lot of my “N” qualities could be falsely attributed to my secondary type as being the “Negotiator” (or, “Idealist”-like, to use Keirsey’s term); but I am not a Negotiator – not even close. The “N” distinction is a major one, and no temperament has been able to reconcile the natural overlap that exists between “N” and the fact that both Negotiators/Idealists and Directors/Rationals share the traits associated with it.

  • Kent
    2019-05-15 09:18

    While "Why Him? Why Her?" is presented and marketed as a discussion of the psychology behind romantic relationships, it excels as an introduction to the brain chemistry which drives personality and friendship. In this respect, it is an engaging read. The book begins with a brief personality test and then introduces the reader to the four primary personality types: Explorer, Builder, Director, and Negotiator. This structure allows the reader to compare their own experience with that of each archetype. And, in many instances I found myself nodding in understanding with the descriptions, habits and traits of each type."Why Him? Why Her?" is at it's weakest when attempts to use historical figures to represent the personality types. Further, expect a bit of a commercial for the author's other professional projects. This book won't tell you how to find love - what book ever could? But if you are interested in learning more about the physiology of your personality, why you react to some people the way you do, "Why Him? Why Her?" is fun and worthwhile.

  • Valerie
    2019-05-08 08:04

    This book was one I initially didn't think would be too interesting and informative for me - I've basically had the same romantic partner for 34 years. But because I continue to do research for my show "Brain Chemistry For Lovers", and because I admire Dr. Fisher's work and heard her lecture about this book, I decided to give it a try. Once again she has shifted my perspective of relationships and how they work (or don't) - not just in romantic love, but in all human interactions. I hesitate to categorize people by "type". It can often be too limiting and most people are not easily defined in this way, but I am currently in Washington D.C. lobbying for a musicians right to fair pay for radio airplay and I've found that the insights about the chemical and hormonal influences on our personalities and perspectives to be extremely helpful in this situation! It's much easier to know what it is that is of value to people and to speak to that without judgment. I also take things much less personally when confronted with people who see things very differently than I do. I wish Dr. Fisher could do a questionnaire for politician's, take saliva, blood and urine samples to measure their dopamine, seratonin, testosterone and estrogen levels, and then compare that data to their questionnaire answers. I know a few lobbyists who'd love to have that data in advance of their meetings!

  • Jennifer
    2019-05-12 09:53

    At first, I found the personality quizzes pretty interesting and entertaining, but she doesn't provide an explanation/solution about what to do with the personality results much. Upon closer examination, her argument is logically flaw. She provides 4 categories of personalities, but I scored some points on all 4. So there are parts of me in every type and it's not linear, just like others are not linear. There is around 306 million people (stated in Wikipedia) in America, but she didn't go into enough details about her statistical samplings. She claims that builders/builders would have more stable marriages, cause she said they are more traditional instead of always looking for new challenges. However, she doesn't provide any divorce statistics... only preliminary statistics on "opinion" surveys. I don't think it's worth the money and time to read the book (I read it in an afternoon at the bookstore), cause her reasons about why people are attracted to others are already universally known. Like having the same values/goals, passions/interests, close geographical locations, attractiveness, etc. Fisher made a good effort, but romance/attraction is a very hard topic to analyze. Attraction is about being compatible/one minded with the opposite sex and a special feeling, not a statistical/logical thing.

  • Andrew
    2019-05-02 04:48

    The data and relationship insight Fisher provides is nothing short of evolutionary. The book is my 'gateway drug' into a hunger for deeper understanding of what makes us all tick, but more importantly, how we synchronize with a partner. The science that backs Fisher's findings avoids the purely feel-good but ultimately hollow and baseless recreational reading that often passes for relationship 'advice.' Not only will you learn about yourself and why you often do (or don't do) exhibit certain patterns of behavior, more importantly you'll discover how your personality type meshes with and is perceived by others. In short, the book should be required reading for everyone who is serious about finding a life-long partner who will accompany them through a mixture of happiness, compassion, and respect.

  • Leslie
    2019-04-30 05:05

    Fantastic! A must for anyone interested in self-understanding and a deeper understanding of those around you, and your relationships. I resonated with her personality categories, now having a more nuanced understanding of the people in my life, past and present, and how our interactions were influenced by our respective types and traits. I experienced a significant gain in insight, which is always quite valuable and so fascinating.

  • Ana Rînceanu
    2019-05-08 08:59

    This was very interesting. I need to read it again.

  • Theresa ♫
    2019-05-16 04:48

    I'm typing this review as a 15-year-old. (A really klutzy, naive, childish, immature 15-year-old. And even though I AM a 15-year-old, I've been mistaken for being 11 within the last week, so I also LOOK childish, too.)Anyway, I've had to deal with crushes and love in the past 3 years and I've made so many huge mistakes, but I think I can say that I do know what love is. (Sort of. A little bit.)First of all, it's kind of interesting how there's a book about such a thing because love is so freakishly complicated to understand. It makes people happy, it makes people suffer, there's all sorts of different kinds, it creates all this drama, it can mess up someone's mind, it can drive people crazy, and it can hope of all things.How on earth can ONE emotion do all that?It's probably because it's an emotion that needs another person. If you've spent your whole entire life trapped inside a room without anyone else, completely alone, you don't have anyone else to love.I think that's why love is so complicated to understand.But after reading (well, I sort of . . . skimmed through and understood only the main points of everything) this book, I realized one thing that's crucial to whatever you're looking for if you chose this book for a reason.THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT LOVE.It's about attraction.Oh yes, the rules of attraction. The north/south pole personality, opposites-attract theory, personality based group of rules.NOT LOVE.DO NOT mistaken attraction for love. EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR LOVE LIVES. Do you understand, my fellow review readers?Why?Theresa's dictionary of craziness presents the definitions for:ATTRACTION: How one person is attentive and taking notice to another. (Because of personality, physical traits and looks, eh-ti-cuh.)LOVE: An emotion that hopes, needs, wants, endures, protects, and never forgets (no matter what someone's physical traits or thoughts are).If you're attracted by looks, you DON'T love them. Because what happens if a horse runs over that person's face over and over and over, and they no longer look the way that attracted you. Will you still be attracted to them?LOVE will love, no matter how many times their face gets run over by a horse!BUT, attraction is a start.If you're attracted to someone, you'll approach them. You'll get to know them better. Become friends, then more than friends. Then you'll confess your love and then get married and love and live happily ever after!Well, some relationships work like that.My FIRST love (when I was 13) was NOT out of attraction. (Let's call him Bob.) Bob and I became pretty close friends.Every time my friends brought up the possibility that I COULD like Bob, I wrinkled my face and said, "EW! Not Bob!"Besides, at that time, I had this crush on this one other guy (who was a jerk, no less).But I kept thinking, "If the guy I liked had the personality of Bob, or was as good a friend as Bob was, he'd definitely be my dream guy."And then I started noticing that if I wanted the guy I liked to change, then I didn't like him.That's when . . . (Ugh. -_-) I started liking Bob.THIS love towards Bob took ages to develop.My LAST love (around March, a bunch of months ago) was based off of attraction.HE was attracted to me, so he started being extremely nice and kind to me. I thought that was out of his personality ACTUALLY being kind, so I was attracted to him because of that.I think I loved him. I don't know if he LOVED me but I know that he was attracted because of my looks. Because of my interests and what I had in common with him.I liked him because he was so nice to me.But he was NOT as nice as I thought he was. He was a COLD, CRUEL PIECE OF FART. (We're still friends but I don't look at him in that way anymore.)THIS love happened within two weeks. Three weeks, maybe. It was very fast.See the difference?Anyway yeah. My point: DO. NOT. MISTAKEN ATTRACTION FOR LOVE!So this book gets three sparkly sparkly stars.The research must have taken FOREVER. It must have taken time and effort, and it was pretty interesting for me to read.It's also cool how she came up with a really interesting test to find your personality type and such. And her research makes A LOT of sense.Explorers (those who love to experience new things) are attracted to other explorers.Builders (those who are comfortable with routine and traditions) are attracted to other builders.Directors (those who are strong with competition and logic) are attracted to negotiators.Negotiators (those who look at both good and bad conclusions of a problem) are attracted to directors.I think that's all true. People who like to experience new things are attracted to other people who also like to experience new things. Traditional people are attracted to other traditional people. The tough-headed are attracted to the tender-hearted. It makes sense.I mean I know a bunch of tough-headed people, and if they ever had to deal with other tough-headed people, they'd butt heads like a pair of super grouchy bulls.But I think tough-headed people would protect the tender-hearted, and the tender-hearted would comfort the tough-headed. (I've been watching and reading too much romance movies and cartoons, but I think it's all true.)The thing about this book is that this book is GENERAL. There are 6 billion people on this planet. There are so many different personalities and possibilities. There's a bit of each personality type in everyone, and even if some personalities dominate over others, things work out in all sorts of unexpected ways.EVERYONE is different somehow. The test told me I'm an negotiator/explorer, but there must be millions of other negotiators/explorers in this world, and I KNOW that no one else in this world thinks like I do or has the same personality as me.There might be more than one Theresa roaming this world, and there might be more than one negotiator/explorer roaming this world, and there might even be more than one negotiator/explorer named Theresa roaming this world, but I'm the only ME there is. There is no one else exactly like me.If I'm an explorer and I'm attracted to other explorers, there's no other explorer that's exactly like me. There's no one else that will agree with me completely on everything.If I'm a negotiator and I'm attracted to other directors, there's no way there can be one director that won't drive me crazy at some point in time. Opposites will most definitely disagree on things.And I'm a GIRL. I've heard guys (like my dad and my brother and a bunch of my guy friends) complain about how complicated and complex girls are.If they're angry and you try to speak to them when they say they want to be left alone, they get angry.If they're angry and you walk away when they say they want to be left alone, they get even MORE angry because they think you're not trying to help them.Either way they get angry. It sucks.And GUYS to me are all jerky or stupid in some way.Some of them DON'T GIVE DIRECT ANSWERS for whatever reason they have. Maybe they're shy, or embarrassed, or WEAK, or afraid of reactions. But I (as a girl) think that guys need to just get the guts to just say what they feel directly.They also do things to girls that they think is for their own good. If a guy thinks he's no good for that girl, he might leave her so she can find someone who's good enough. BUT THAT'S STUPID because leaving the girl hurts the girl and makes the girl think that she's not good enough for HIM.If you TRULY LOVE THE GIRL, then YOU have to be the one to protect her. Don't let some other guy steal her away!Some guys give up way too easily and it's incredibly irritating.Since guys and girls are just naturally opposites in this case, how on earth can you find someone that you can COMPLETELY agree and cooperate with?It doesn't matter what personality type they have. You'll probably disagree or argue about something with them every now and then.I guess the attraction thing AND the point of this book is to find someone who is less likely to disagree and argue with you.HOWEVER, the problem I have with the rules of attraction AND this book is that love doesn't care what you agree and disagree on.I mean if you love somebody, but you guys can disagree on ice cream flavors (like if I love chocolate flavored but the guy I like HATES it) is that a reason why you should stop loving?Or maybe something more serious, like how to spend money. Maybe you think that you need to spend money on things you NEED over things you want, but the person you love likes to spend money on things that they want.Agreeing on materialistic things doesn't matter in love. Love wants happiness and it comforts and cares and protects. For all that to end just because of a disagreement on something materialistic isn't a good reason to end at all.That's just my opinion. This book took LOADS of research and effort, I know.But, my dear review readers, please remember:1. NOT TO MISTAKEN ATTRACTION AND LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.2. Materialistic things DO NOT matter in love at all.3. NO TWO PEOPLE can agree on EVERYTHING.4. Out of the 6 billion people on this world, every single person is different and thinks different and looks different.5. No one is solidly one of these personality types. I got a 32 for an explorer, a 24 on a builder, a 13 for a director and a 33 for a negotiator, so I'm part of every single type.Even with a 13 as a director, I have to admit that I am pretty competitive when I'm merciless.The mystery remains:Don't just search for someone who has one personality.My dream person is generally someone who's comforting and funny and kind. (Your average dream prince.)But I've fallen for someone who gives me the cold shoulder sometimes, and is strictly serious at some points, and gives me a hard time at the worst of times (probably the opposite of what I really, really want), but I go to him for hugs when I need them the most and he happens to be the dude who's most comforting to me. Y'know, when he's trying to comfort me.Life is unexpected. You have NO IDEA what kind of person you're going to fall for. In fact, right now, the person you're going to marry is probably roaming the earth RIGHT THIS MINUTE.This book is general. But life is not like this book, trust me.This book tells you what to expect.But things will happen in ways you DON'T expect. It's more fun that way.Whoa, this was a long review. And it's more like a rant than a review.THREE sparkly sparkly stars. That's not bad, y'know!

  • Aaron Milavec
    2019-04-28 04:12

    Currently reading Helen Fisher, WHY HIM? WHY HER? (2009). Found her book at the library. I’ve read most of it and I’m identifying myself as an Explorer:You seek adventures of the mind and senses. You are very curious and creative, and you are willing to take some risks to pursue your interests. Adaptable and optimistic, you can be easily bored when you’re not doing something interesting. You have a lot of energy, and you tend to be spontaneous or even impulsive.You are more creative than other personality types and usually have a wide variety of interests. You find it easy to focus intently on what interests you, and your enthusiasm promotes motivation and a drive to achieve. You can be very generous to family and friends [when I’m feeling included and accepted], and you’ve always got something going on.As an Explorer, you look out not in; you are foremost interested in the world around you. So you are attracted to a mate who is also intellectually and physically adventurous and interested in dissecting this complex, tangible universe. You particularly like imaginative and theoretical people, a “mind mate.” And you like a partner who is sexual, because you regard sex as an important aspect of a relationship. You have nerves of steel and thrive on the edge. You are also decisive and direct. So you are unconsciously drawn to those who can balance out your highly independent and tough-minded spirit—those who are novelty seeking, yet compassionate, verbal, intuitive, trusting, flexible and emotionally expressive.Dr. Fisher finds that Explorers can make do with other personality types, but they kick into high gear with other Explorers. This helps explain why my current partner finds me attractive at the same time that I drive her crazy at other times. This also helps explain why we are excellent working partners but that we so easily disappoint each other when it comes to family and money and entertaining friends. . . . Update 18 months later: The steady stream of dissatisfaction leveled against me by my partner finally eroded the compassionate ground on which we both stood. So I have left a marriage of thirteen years in order to reinvent myself for my final phase of living life to the full. I am recovering my gratitude and joy day by day. Meanwhile, I am seeking an Explorer who would like to enter into a journey of bliss with me for the next twenty years. 15 May 2015

  • Monica Miller
    2019-04-21 04:11

    This book is a total life-changer for me. I learnt a lot of things about my personality type and that it's okay to be in a certain way, and that it's normal. It made me feel a lot better, and I had better understanding on my relationships with my friends and close ones.I can't wait to read more books written by Dr. Fisher.

  • Natali
    2019-04-30 10:02

    I was on Fox News' Red Eye with this author a few weeks ago. I was ready to write her off as a quack pot psychologist, probably because I was quite literally judging the book by the cover. I don't love the title but I did enjoy the book itself. I'm glad I received a copy after the show and even more glad that I picked it up a few nights ago before I fell asleep. Fisher is a highly qualified biological anthropologist. She describes four archetypes of the human race. She scientifically discusses why each group is drawn to the various archetypes that they are at various times in their lives. She provides a quiz, much like the MBTI quiz, which allows the reader to know his/her archetype and realize patterns from the results. I was dubious but in the end, I could not believe how accurate her assessment was. I am a negotiator/director. As a negotiator, I am analytic, empathetic, idealistic, and introspective. As a director, I am efficient, hardworking, driven, and logical. According to Fisher, I should be drawn to like-minded people, rather than an explorer who is rash and impulsive, or a builder who is traditional and linear. That has certainly been true in the past. I could have done without the ritualistic behavioral advice. The science in this book is what makes it so great. The tips on flirting and courting seem like they were added to appease a publisher who wanted to print for popular intellect. So what do I do with this information? Who knows. Even Fisher acknowledges that people violate the rules of grouping because love is not logical. It isn't like we can ignore how we feel about someone simply because they are not on the appropriate side of the spectrum. But we can deal with various personalities in a more educated fashion and be smarter in the early stages of selection. I guess. In theory.

  • Dimitra-Vanessa Bouna
    2019-05-06 04:58

    Helen Fisher separates people into four personality types based on a dominant chemical in the brain and the character it brings out. We have the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen systems which correlate to the Explorer, Builder, Director and Negotiator. You take the test and tally up your score which gives you your Primary and Secondary type. PRO of the book: It really sunk in for me that there truly are radically different personality types that each function and thrive in different ways. So often in my relationship I had been stumped at how to get my boyfriend to see things my way as if it was the only way. Fisher's personality type analysis helped me to be more open to a potential partner's different way of processing/seeing the world.CONs: Fisher gives examples of transgender individuals' different reactions to hormones (upon taking testosterone, a trans man reported to "missing seeing the bigger picture" for example) I didn't like how she failed to use the post-hormone pronoun, referring to the above trans man in the same sentence as "she". She analyzes each personality type at first as a Primary type, then she states that our Secondary type is also important and so she analyzes the secondary type in relation to each Primary type, and by the end, she takes us through every single possible relationship type. Explorer-explorer, explorer-builder, explorer-negotiator, and on an on. By the time I got to that point in the book, it was starting to sound repetitive to me. I felt like I had gotten the gist by then of each personality type. PS. Fisher emphasizes throughout that biology is only half of the story of how one will end up choosing a partner, and how important life experiences and our environment growing up are! So, if you enjoy pop science but are weary of biological determinism, don't be deterred!!!

  • Aaron
    2019-04-23 09:10

    Why Him? Why Her? has two Why's in it because its alternative title is "Why 2: The Sequel to Why We Love?"Helen Fisher's sequel to Why We Love has all the same characteristics of the original book: an extraordinary amount of cultural references combined with many academic references to psychological and anthropological studies. In my opinion, she is more careful to address issues with transexuals and homosexuals than she was in her first book. However, unlike her first book she is not laying out her case descriptive case for love, but a prescriptive case. "If ... Then ..." is sort of the underlying point of the entire book. If you're a director, to x y and z to get a good relationship with a negotiator. Or, lets say "if you're a explorer in a relationship with a builder, then you should focus on matching your zaniness to their sturdiness."The one questionable thing about the book really is the premise of personality types. Like: "it can't be that simple and the exact hormone/neurotransmitter relationships aren't really explained!" Fisher uses historical references- to Greek and Native American personality types- to try to shore up these divisions. The appendix includes some of the data from her data, which, I suppose, does mean /something/ is going on here. But obviously it isn't very set in stone, and Fisher thankfully makes that clear. Instead of saying, "If my quiz says this, then you must date this" she talks about how best to deal with those around you.

  • Taka
    2019-04-27 06:15

    It's okay—While Helen Fischer's categorization of people's personalities into four types based on neurotransmitters and hormones is interesting, it ultimately succumbs to simplification, though to her credit she does admit the complexity of personalities by qualifying her statements and presenting other factors influencing your personality. The simplification, however, works sometimes (though I'm not sure if it's just theory-induced blindness coupled with confirmation bias), and you realize there are people out there who seem to be more prone to one type than the others. Besides, it's kind of fun to look at your behaviors based on your biochemistry (while keeping in mind the complexity of the subject at hand).One complaint I have about this book is that the first half is engaging and informative—characterization of each type and their dating style—and then the second half sort of becomes a bunch of generic "dating tips" that weren't all that informative or illuminating. I for one was curious how some people can be in love after 20 years of marriage, how you can retain the flame, etc., but she touches on the subject tantalizingly and doesn't answer it, saying the important thing is to find the ideal match your personality type calls for. Fun read, but ultimately not satisfying.

  • Philip
    2019-04-29 08:50

    Self-help, desperation title aside, I didn't see this as a read intended to help me find the perfect match. Which is good, because that's not what it's about.I heard Helen Fisher's TED talk and found it very interesting, so I decided to read her book. Being that she is an academic that studies romantic love form an inter-disciplinary angle, I was eager to hear her thoughts.I'd say I walked away from the book with a much stronger understanding of myself in relationships, the people around me and their expectations, and why many past relationships had not been successful. I'd say that makes it worth the price of admission.I don't think it made me any more likely to find my perfect match. Frankly, I didn't want it to. But, it did provide some nice tools for thinking through relationships it a more useful way. If you've ever wondered why some people say opposites attract, and others believe that you need to find the person you have everything in common with, this book does a good job explaining.

  • Jana
    2019-05-15 04:57

    Oh, I am indeed a Negotiator yet I never end up being with Directors since they intimidate me a bit but somehow we are a perfect match. The paradox is that subconsciously I know that I always need and look for Directors qualities, but somehow I find men which are Negotiators like me.The first link to H. Fisher test is about the current state of your love life, and the second link tests your personality.

  • Kristen
    2019-04-21 10:01

    Loved this book! Dr. Fisher's background in anthropology gives a unique look into personality types due to our chemical makeup and why we pick the people we do to date. She explains how we unconsciously pick "mates" based on natural selection. The theories and research in this book are fascinating and if I decided to Internet date I would be more inclined towards or due to the way she has helped design the matching process.

  • Brooke
    2019-05-12 08:52

    This book was recommended by a friend so I gave it a try. This book gave insightful details about different personality types and what values drive different people to act the way they do. It helped me understand all of my relationship better, not just the romantic ones. I was skeptical about the title, but I'm glad I decided to read it anyway.

  • Matthew
    2019-04-28 05:58

    I loved this book. Must read for anyone who is In a relationship, was in a relationship and want to be in a Relationship.

  • Hissa Reads
    2019-04-22 04:48

    I really tried to give it a chance, but I couldn't continue listening to the audiobook.

  • Allison Maguire
    2019-05-08 07:03

    This book felt more like an online Cosmo quiz than a psychological insight.

  • Ilib4kids
    2019-04-23 08:14

    155.264 FIS CD 155.264 FISauthor is the scientific adviser to, a division of Match.comI write HelenFisherPersonalityType.html to test personality type.Some points that excludes in this book1. p 39 Extroversion vs. Introversion, often ignore in definition of difference: how you get your energy. Extroversion get energy from others. Introvert are oriented inward, become relax and rested and reward when turns to inwards.2. p41 neuroticism and anxiety. Notes in this book:1. Personality consists of : character from your experiment; temperament from your biology.2. 4 personal typeExplorer : drink life to the lees, play mate :Dopamine, novelty seeking, boredom susceptibility, energetic, restless, compulsivity, Creativity also linked to madness,Curiosity, flexibility, spontaneous, extravagant generosity, devoted to experience, adaptability as chameleon, unlike to reveal their emotion. Builders: a pillar of society, help mate : Serotonin, moral and traditional, meticulous, conscientiousness , calm, cautious but not fearful, plans carefully, superb at managing people, be a good manager, administrator and guardian, frugal, see loyalty as duty, social people.Directors : always to the stars , mind mate:testosterone, intellectual, systemizing, spatial skills, Musical and athletic ability, logical, mechanically skilled, straightforward, tough-minded, devoted to their work, seek knowledge, few friends, detach reason from emotion, seen as cold-hearted.Negotiator: philosopher king, soul mate:Estrogen, intuition, introspection, emotionally intense, seeks intimacy, appreciate the depth of connection, devoted to family, people, idea, mental flexibility, like to introspect, inward-looking, search for own identity, drama king or queue,idealist least realistic. Explorers and Directors love sex.Difference about image and create, image: more combine existing data and idea, synthesize; create: generate new idea 3. Middle age people are more consistent on personality than kids and elders.4.p31 Gaming the test: 3 results: who you really are; who you think you are (your self-concept); how you wish to be perceived (your self-presentation).5. p140 The explorer: looking a play mate, Ludus. playful loveThe builder:looking for a help mate,Pragma, love based on compatibility and common sense.The Director: looking for a mind mate, Storge, a deep feeling of special friendship for a partner that lacks over displays of emotion. The Negotiator: Looking for a soul mate, Agape, gentle, unselfish, all-giving, unconditional love, sex and love are utterly intertwine.Explorers are drawn to Explorers, Builders to Builders, Directors to Negotiator, Negotiator to Directors.6. Factors to fall in love pp142 -1596-1. A timing: during a life passage, a transition, a period of change tends to fall in love.6-2. Proximity 6-3. Familiarity and barriers. 6-4. Looks count 6-5. Shape counts, waist circumference/hip measurement = 70% 6-6. Voice 6-7. Rhythm's message h. oder prints 6-8. Courtship talk (assortative mating, or fitness matching) 6-9. Exchanging needs (Social exchange theory); 6-10 The roles we play 6-11 Love maps 6-12 Building your love map 6-13 Positive illusions 6-14 Love begets love.7. Ways to help datingBe lovable; Like yourself; Brag carefully; Don't play "hard to get"; "Come Hither" flirting ploy; face talk; Handicapped (wear unattractive, unkempt); loom and crouch; the five-part pickup; active listening and humor; who pays for dinner? kissing; casual sex? commitment; born to love.8. p221 humans are born to love. The sex drive motivates us to seek sex with a range of partners; romantic love predisposes us to focus our mating energy on just one individual at a time; and feeling of deep attachment inspire us to stay with a partner long enough to raise our children as team.Terms:1. Lexical hypothesis2. The Symposium by Plato Aristophanes God of Love: a single entity with men and women union.3. NEO-PI Neuroticism Extraversion Openness Personality Inventory4. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI): total 16 types.5. TPQ Tridimensional personality questionnaire 6. index finger vs. ring finger ratio: p86 Directors tended to have a longer ring finger, Negotiators had a ring figure same as or shorter than index figure.Drugs1. Ritalin (methylphenidate): treat ADHD, use by students in tests to boost energy.2. Prozac, Paxil, boost serotonin to feel serene, drugs like MDMA, LSD, DMT, psilocybin trigger a surge in serotonin system, giving the feeling of intense well-being and comfort, sensitivity, perceptual effect.

  • Dustin Hartley
    2019-05-16 09:55

    Although at times it seemed like a horoscope or palm reading, I love personality psychology and the science behind it. Fisher uses a lot of famous figures and personal examples in this reader-friendly book on relationships.

  • Busy
    2019-04-21 11:00

    This book was a bit of a slog but inside is a rosetta stone. Honestly I didn't like the writers style. If you're conservative you're going to hate her examples. I'm liberal AND an explorer/negotiator and have watched her TED talks and I still had trouble liking her. Maybe because in classic explorer fashion she didn't like talking about herself enough to make herself seem relatable. Or maybe it's because I'm skeptical about the evolutionary psychology she dabbles in. Whatever the case, if you can get through the way the book presents the information, wow, what information it is. At first I thought the types might be like horoscopes. After all, there are 12 of them. But unfortunately the book doesn't fully describe all 12 in a neat list. I took notes and compiled descriptions of all 12 and made a summary of how I as an explorer negotiator interact with them. I figured out what specific types I would work best with based on what I need and what I want. It was like someone handed me a playbook that grouped everyone I knew well enough to intuit their personality and told me the kind of relationship I could expect from them. The relationship types I determined would be the best fit for me were indeed filled with amicable exes who had different beliefs and values (and I realized I "traded" [read ignored] way too much similarity in beliefs and values to date someone supportive and kind who is also good looking), while those with my same personality type are my best friends. Some personally types were almost certain to be filled with people who had turned into backstabbers while my mentors were mostly in one group. The most interesting group were the negotiator/explorers which for someone like me is actually the most high maintenance group of people that I am close to. I care about them deeply but we're just similar enough to hold the other to our own standard and be left wanting. It can be easy to agree to disagree with builder/negotiators, and fun to have a night out with explorer/builders because you have enough in common to get along, but obviously with personality types like that you know you each have different life philosophies and you all understand and respect that. But negotiator/explorers are sort of like looking in a funhouse mirror and wondering what's wrong with your reflection. Anyways, I feel like a whole other book could be written about these personality combinations and would love more case studies. With the help if this book, I really did finally answer, "Why him?" And I love it when a book does what it says on the tin!

  • Patricia
    2019-05-03 10:16

    Reading about personality type/human nature is something I find interesting in general terms. It can be as limiting or as freeing as one chooses to use the presented information--if they find it valid enough to use at all. Personally, while I find some validity in personality type, I find that it is not cut and dry. 1 + 1 does not always equal two. That is, while someone can be a negotiator and a builder, the degree of each does not necessarily equal to the same amount of negotiator and builder traits another negotiator builder is. When it comes to Fisher's types, I think that most everyone, (myself included) expresses all the types in varying degrees. The type we chose to use at that particular time is dependent on our situation the personality types around us and the personality types we are dealing with. While I must concede that Fisher's identifying system felt very familiar to other personality systems I have read about in the past Jung, MBTI, and Kiersey, I still found it to be an interesting book. Fisher ties her personality types with research into chemicals like testosterone, serotonin, dopamine, and others on the brain and then extends type to personal romantic relationships citing which types are most likely to have successful relationships and which types will encounter more friction. As with all things, there are always outliers and Fisher concedes that her system is no exception. Within the book, Fisher includes a self-evaluation test, which was easy, interesting and fun to do. I found it interesting that I my Fisher Type was my basic MBTI type. I would have loved to have read about the other attitudes, phenomena and traits by personality type that Fisher discussed, but realize that the scope of this book was limited to a basic presentation of her theory and those studies that she used to validate her theory. When it comes to personality type and finding the perfect match, I don't agree with Fisher. While some people must have the same backgrounds: socioeconomic, religious, ethnic, geography, familiarity, there are many more outliers who found love in individuals who did not share any of those commonalities. What is important to you, what you want in life, maturity, altruism, respect, and friendship play a much bigger role in maintaining long term loving relationships than being a Negotiator, Builder, Explorer or Director. At least, that has been the case when it comes to my romantic relationship.

  • Shaun Marais
    2019-05-07 07:07

    Since Fisher's books aren't published in my country, I had to import it. I really wanted to read one of her books after watching Fisher's Ted Talks. She is an excellent speaker!However, there are some problems with 'Why Him? Why Her'. While I do believe that personality is governed by brain chemicals, I feel that Fisher relies too heavily on her surveys and research in generalising personality traits to dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. According to Fisher, creativity is associated with the Negotiator - a personality type high in estrogen. But how does Fisher account for creativity that is acquired through social learning? I believe creativity can be acquired by any person who is willing and truly interested in being creative. Perhaps she didn't go far enough to define her use of the word.I also find the title problematic. Fisher only writes about heterosexual pair bonding which makes this literature exclusionary. I was interested to learn about a variety of different kinds of relationships, but dissappointed that Fisher excluded entire sections of the human population in her book. That said, I enjoy her work, research and writing style.

  • Wallace
    2019-04-28 05:15

    Type: {Impress Your Friends Read: notable; prize-winner or all around intelligent crowd conversation piece.}Rating: {Me Likey: Enjoyable! Particularly for fans of this genre.}Why You’re Reading It:- You are curious about the ways that different personalities work- You often wonder why certain people chose each other in relationships- You want to better understand someone who you are in a relationship (family, friend, or romantic)What I Thought:Why Him, Why Her is marketed as a dating book (see the subtitle), but I think the author did herself a disservice by doing this. Yes, dating books are a hot market, but this book will, most likely, not often be picked up by the people who will like it the most. It is more of a psychology book about personality types. The author provides a test for the reader to take (if you are listening to it, the test is available on the last CD via your computer), and then continues on to tell you about the four personality types: Explorer, Builder, Director, and Negotiator. In Fisher’s approach, we all have one dominate type and one sub type. Some of us will have several dominate or sub types. I was (almost) even across the board, though Negotiator was the highest by a couple of points with Builder and Director basically tied in as sub-personality with Explorer not far behind.Although I really enjoyed listening to Fisher’s explanation of studies she has performed and data she has collected (I adore hearing about why people act/chose/live the way they do), I often questioned the validity of her research. I also had a hard time believing the personalities were as black and white as Fisher would have us believe.However, this is an engaging book for those of you who are curious about why people are different from each other and how these differences can work together or separate us. I think it would be a very fun test to take and book to read (or listen to) with a significant other. In fact, while listening to this book, I found myself thinking of friends and relatives that I know well rather than potential boyfriends who I only know slightly. I’m pretty sure I know which categories all of my loved ones fit into. Now if only I could just get them to take the test and let me evaluate them…

  • Andrew
    2019-05-20 12:12

    I really liked this book, and because of that I gave it four stars. But I do want to mention two problems I had with it. (1) It was tremendously heteronormative, and it tended to play on popular heteronormative myths more than most media. (2) It's not altogether clear that the book is truly academic in nature. Though there is a significant bibliography section at the end, there are few footnotes. Worse, it seems that the foundation of the book, the four "temperaments" of all humanity (explorer, builder, director, and negotiator) are not really accepted in the field of psychology. This was extremely disappointing for me when I found out.But this book for me was nonetheless very useful and helped me to better explain my own love habits and how to think about moving forward in the future with my love life. Once I read through the descriptions of the temperaments, I immediately identified myself as NEGOTIATOR/explorer, and this book definitely, definitely helped me to better understand why I am attracted to Directors and DIRECTOR/explorers more specifically. My last two major sexual relationships were definitely with Directors, and this way of thinking definitely helps me to be more confident in who I choose to date, why I choose to date them, and the methods I should use to attract people that I like. I feel FAR more secure with myself and my dating style, and for that the book EASILY gets four stars. I definitely think of this book more like a work of philosophy than of psychology, and that is not at all a critique. If the book helps you better understand your life and the world, then it is useful and you should definitely use it. If the arguments in the book don't ring true for you, then don't use them. The book definitely wasn't as dense as I was hoping or expecting, though it definitely wasn't all fluff, but I would definitely recommend it to anyone who feels at least a bit lost in understanding their dating style and the kind of people that they would be compatible with.

  • Frank
    2019-05-08 07:11

    Nothing stunning in the four news personality types of explorer, builder, director and negotiator and she is good in talking about the range within each and the secondary types to avoid falling into four types of people as a result of the work. Working from the quiz that helps the reader find their type and secondary type, the text then tells you more about the matches you make based on the blending on the personalities centered in each of the four areas. It was interesting. The dating advice section was a bit funny with the mating rituals common to humans and beasts, more funny as it seems true. That section was also a bit creepy for a woman who works with to write, "You might try bragging a little, too. Courting is not, foremost, about honesty; it's about winning. Every animal on the planet seems to know this except people." Hmmm. As if making oneself out as larger than life is not already the issue more than the reverse.Recommended by a relative who's a therapist, I was curious about the four personality types after she had my wife and I take the quiz as she was reading the book. I liked the book better when I got to the end notes as the approach with little reference to science seemed dubious to me. It'll be stronger if the experiments she is running with a control group and with testing to confirm the actual seratonin, testosterone and so on support for the traits she attributes to those chemicals.Oddly, my favorite part of the book was the consistently good quotes she found to illustrate each type. Intrigued by her main concept, I most enjoyed the illustrations from the writings of others that she wove into her own text. I don't recommend this to other marrieds like myself, but it could make an interesting read for those in the online dating pool and would rate it four stars for that demographic.

  • Michelle
    2019-05-11 08:11

    "Why Him? Why Her?" is such an easy, light-hearted read. The basic premise is this: four basic hormones/neurotransmitters work to produce various aspects of one's personality. Everyone has a combination of these (dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen) but usually we display higher levels of only one or two. From her research, Fisher determined that the variations in these four chemicals result in four basic styles of thinking and behaving. She posits that we have a primary and secondary personality type (my own is Negotiator/Explorer)and that based off of our different preferences and interests, we gravitate toward certain people over others.Although I only have just dabbled in the field of Personality Psychology (I recently got into the whole Myers-Briggs thing) I have noticed that there is a striking similarity between Fisher's theory & the MBTI. Both theories have 4 basic personality types that are quite similar: The Explorer, The Builder, The Director, and The Negotiator. In short, I prefer Fisher's theory because it involves biology and genetics. I was sold once she began explaining the correlation between the 4 chemicals and how they influence our natural inclinations, even our facial structure. Although sometimes I have raised an eyebrow, I suspect Fisher has made quite the discovery in the fields of love, psychology, biology, and even neuroscience. I especially enjoyed the last few chapters where she brings it all together and even dabbles in anthropology/sociology (she begins comparing our own mating and courting rituals to those of the animal kingdom) All in all, good read.